Addicted
by ShinigamiMailJeevas
Summary: Had I been dreaming, hallucinating? The fact that I was alone and lying on the floor in the aftermath should have told me to lay off the hard stuff. Did I really want to stop seeing him?. MattMel


**Summary 2**: Matt is taking drugs years after he's left Wammys, and starts to hallucinate. He begins to wonder what is reality and what is fake.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Death Note

**AN**: (USED to have lyrics in it, and a disclaimer stating they weren't mine, but I'm too tired from work at the moment to deal with fucking idiots like T-whatever-the-fuck-their-name-is who reported this WITHOUT giving a warning first which is what you are supposed to do but whatever. Go to my other accounts to read with lyrics is all I can say.

Any place with a – is where lyrics used to be. So FFN fuck off.

_Italics are hallucinations (or a waking dream). _

"Addicted"

I had gotten used to life on my own without Wammys... without Mello.

It wasn't easy to drown things out, to block them from my mind. I was a genius, as stated by Wammys. My mind didn't stop working just because I _wanted _it to.

Alcohol was only a temporary and disgusting fix. Like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

-

Hacking, cigarettes and random sex could only go so far... but drugs? They could take a person much farther. It was an upgrade. It was a roll of bandages or duck tape.

_**-**_

But even they run out after a time... take too little and you can still feel the pain... take too much... and you start to lose it.

_**-**_

I had taken more than intended this time.

Mixed one too many…

Things seemed..... different...

Fake....?

I saw a flash of blond hair and whirled around but there was nothing there.

_**-**_

_"Long time no see Matt." Mello said with a hand on one of his slim hips. _

_Slim leather clad hips._

_**-**_

I shook my head; this shit was powerful if I was seeing things already.

Sitting down I powered up my laptop and decided to surf the net. I pulled my goggles up, everything was... weird.

The text… moved?

I shook my head and concentrated on the screen…

_**-**_

_His lips attacked me and my vision exploded in a wash of color. Everything was pure bliss. _

_His hands trailing down my chest, his hot mouth sucking at my neck. _

_Everything. _

_**-**_

I woke up on the floor beside the computer and there was a pop up for porn with a blond chick in leather. My head ached and I was nauseous. My stomach churned at the lack of food and at the thought of eating anything.

My boxers were wet and sweat had dried to my skin leaving me feeling sticky.

I touched the screen and blinked.

Was this real?

_**-**_

Had I been dreaming, hallucinating? The fact that I was alone and lying on the floor with the aftermath of an orgasm should have told me to lay off the drugs.

But Mello....

Did I really want to stop seeing him?

_**-**_

Maybe I was dreaming now, maybe _this_ was what wasn't real.

Picking up a discarded lighter I held the catch down until a small flame was produced, I brought my arm up to it and hissed as the flesh burnt and bled.

_**-**_

I was awake. But the hallucination had touched me, I had felt it... so was I really... yes I had to be _awake_.

But it didn't have to stay that way.

I popped a few more pills into my mouth and waited.

_**-**_

_Mello opened the door to the shower and stepped inside, his hands rough on my skin. I groaned as he bit my ear and forced me against the wall. _

_The cold made me shiver but his hot breaths along my neck warmed me._

_Oh god did it feel good. _

_**-**_

I was dizzy and falling down, it seemed dream like.

Everything was… disconnected.

_**-**_

_His hands reached lower and grabbed at my erection. Cold fingers slowly pumping me towards release._

_**-**_

My head exploded in pain, what was going on?

Had I fallen....?

_**-**_

_I banged my head on the shower wall as he entered me. God, and without anything to lesson the pain._

_**-**_

It was cold, something was sliding down my face... water?

Blood?

_**-**_

_"Matt!" he hissed my name before collapsing against me, spent. We both shivered in the now freezing water. _

_"Mello..." he gave me a tiny, sad smile, and kissed me._

_**-**_

Mello Mello Mello Mello....

He wasn't here; there was something _wrong_ with this. He wasn't _here_.

Why was I seeing him?

_**-**_

My vision blurred before me, my lips tingling. I was on the floor again. The angle was different than before, I was beside the coffee table.

The edge was hovering close to my face, when had I moved?

Everything was sluggish, I felt drained.

How long had I been here?

_**-**_

I touched my face when I felt something slide down. I pulled my hand back and it came away red. I had hit the table.... it was getting dangerous.

What day was it?

How many had passed?

Mello.....

Did I honestly care?

I reached foreword and grabbed a few tablets off the table.

_**-**_

_Mello kissed around the gag and I whimpered at the dark look in his eyes. He pulled back and picked up a red candle off the table. _

_The flame flickered as he titled it over my body, the wax running across my flesh._

_**-**_

It was burning, painful.

The wall was… moving….?

Or was I moving…

_**-**_

_Little red droplets hit my skin and it was painful, and just as much pleasurable._

_**-**_

My fingers burned...

Why was it my fingers?

It should have been my chest, right?

What was real?!

_**-**_

_He moved the wax over my erection and I stared at him with wide, pleading eyes......_

_**-**_

My fingers fucking burned. The cigarette had burned past the filter. I stuck the injured digits into my mouth and sucked.

But the pain seemed a little dulled.

I was dreaming again.

Dreaming of a time away from Mello...

_**-**_

_It was wrong, oh so wrong how good I felt._

_His tongue swirled around the tip, and cleared away the wax. _

_**-**_

It was wrong, I wasn't sleeping! But it felt like I was... Mello was standing beside me.

Turning I looked but he was gone. A ghost?

No, he would have to be dead for that.

"Matt." he whispered.

I shivered.

_**-**_

_I glared at him; I couldn't tell him what I wanted with the stupid gag. _

_He smirked._

_Cold hands traveled across my stomach and up my chest._

_**-**_

I clutched my head. "Shut up!"

_**-**_

_His tongue plundered my mouth, the gag lying on the floor helplessly beside the bed. My arms were still chained above my head and I longed to touch him. _

_**-**_

"Matt, your losing it, aren't you?" I crumpled to the floor and sobbed.

"Leave me alone... I don't want to hear you...." I cried weakly.

_**-**_

_"Scream for me Matty, scream!" _

_**-**_

I screamed.

_**-**_

_My senses went into overload, and only Mello could ever do this. _

_Only Mello._

_God how I… _missed him_....?_

_**-**_

I was shaking so badly, so very cold.... I could just take another and solve this problem...

But if I did that the voice.... would come back...

Or leave….?

_**-**_

_"Love you Matt...." he kissed my temple and held me. I closed my eyes and drifted off._

_**-**_

I woke up and puked all over the floor. It hurt so bad... everything ached. I rolled over and curled into a ball.

It was so fucking cold... when had I last eaten?

"Just a little?" the voice cooed. I shut my eyes tightly.

"No! No more..." no more reality... or dreams or whatever!

No more...

I let the darkness take me.

_**-**_

My phone rang and I dove across the table to answer it.

"Matt? I need you to come get me." I could clearly hear Mello's voice through the phone, and yet I could just as clearly_ see_ him sitting across from me, mouth doing horribly perverse things to his chocolate.

"Sure, just tell me where." I found myself saying. The... hallucination pouted as I wrote down the address.

_**-**_

"I'll be there soon Mello." I hung up and I didn't hear his voice anymore.

Something in my chest ached at that. I grabbed my keys, and when I looked back, the other Mello was gone.

_**-**_

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of pills. They seemed to almost move across my hand.

I shook my head and tossed them in the trash before leaving.

_**-**_

-**End**-

**AN**: OK, who's confused as to what the hell went on? *everyone raises a hand* Hahaha. Basically, if you didn't get it, Matt was so fucked up by the drugs that he started to hallucinate.

(The drugs I was imagining Matt using was a combination of **Dimenhydrinate** (found in **Dramamine **(and other over the counter drugs); which is for motion sickness, I've used it before, but can cause hallucinations if abused.) and **LSD**.**) **

and since Matt (or rather this version of Matt) was oh so messed up by Mello leaving, he started to see him, and even hear him. So Matty went a little crazy with the drugs in his system. K. So now that that's done. What did you think?

I'm not really expecting anyone to love this, as I think I was high on sugar when I wrote this, but I would LOVE feedback. K? Yeah.......

Press the button, I dare you!


End file.
